Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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