I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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