I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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