That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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