Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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