Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
