I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize