all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize