Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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