I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
