We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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