Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
