my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
