watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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