If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
