it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
