I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
