first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
