my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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