She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
