Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
