I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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