Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
