Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
