Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
