you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
