I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
