You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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