My hand turned me down
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
