I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
