Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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