the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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