Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
