I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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