I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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