I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
