No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
