yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
