he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize