I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm too high and old for this...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
