Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
