I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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