The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
