I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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