I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When did angry sex become our thing?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize