There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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