last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
