i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Two words: nipple clamps
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