Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
