If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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