I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need water and some morals
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
