so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
