i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
