if i can run in heels then i can drive
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
