So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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