My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
