I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think my fart just growled at me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
