you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
