I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
