Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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