I haven't been this sober since birth.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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